


despite everything;

by MistyMoon



Series: (almost) dead (almost) poets [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: @god why do u let me write hell, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Suicidal Thoughts, stop me from writing this series pls guys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-08
Updated: 2016-02-08
Packaged: 2018-05-18 23:50:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5947978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MistyMoon/pseuds/MistyMoon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's still you.<br/>Even after all you did. To her, to them, to yourself.<br/>Still you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	despite everything;

**Author's Note:**

> id like to apologize not only to god but also to all of u who are about to read this. im so sorry omg  
> anyway this is like the 2nd monster out of the 8?9? monsters i need to write so lmao rip me im doomed  
> and reminder u can find an adap tag (#adap-tag) w some related adap posts on my [tumblr](https://hhaibaalisa.tumblr.com)

It was starting to feel like your second year again.  
You were disappointing all of them (again), you were breaking all of your silent promises (again), you were hurting them (again), you were trying to get away from them all the time (again), you were making them blame themselves (again, again, again, _again_ ).  
The guilt was tearing you apart, as it always did.  
That's why you could never bring yourself to do it.  
That's why you always woke up. That's why you always had to see your mother's guilt-filled eyes. That's why you had to spend a week hearing 'are you okay's from your classmates every day. That's why you had to look him in the eye and apologize, even though you knew he'd say it was alright, because that's what he always says, every time.  
It became a routine, at this point.  
You try, you fail, you feel guilty, and then you pretend you're okay until you try again.  
And no one ever stops you from trying again.  
-  
You feel like you're burning.  
Your eyes sting so much, you don't know if you're crying or if you're about to. You can't stop shaking and you can't breathe, even though it feels like you're taking enough air to sustain you for the rest of your life every time you take a breath.  
The bathroom is awfully quiet, though.  
You almost reach for the blade in the first drawer, but you stop yourself. This situation doesn't need to get worse.  
(but there's no one here, no one here to stop you, tell you what you're doing is wrong, tell you you're a disappointment, what's stopping you)  
(what will he think though, what will he think of you, what will they say, how disappointed will they be, do you remember last time, do you, _do you, semi_ )  
(you won't have to look, you won't have to see their faces, you won't have to remember if you do this right, if you don't fail this time, if you forget about them and do what _you_ want)  
(what about _them_ , eita)  
(what about _you_ , eita)  
You use both your hands to cover your mouth, in an attempt to muffle your screams.  
You don't think it worked.  
-  
It's 4am and it feels like there are ten thousand different people screaming at you.  
You can't recognize any of them and they are all slowly driving you mad.  
You try to go back to sleep, hoping they'll shut up.  
(they don't, they never do, even when you're dreaming. at least they don't make your head hurt while you're asleep)  
-  
He doesn't call you after practice is over.  
You did text him saying you didn't want him to call you, because you didn't want to talk, didn't want to explain why you skipped, but you still expected him to call.  
He never does, but it still bothers you.  
You know he cares, and that he's just not calling you because you literally asked him not to, but part of you still wonders.  
(maybe he doesn't care at all, maybe he's been pretending to care about you, maybe you are a bother, maybe he's angry at you, maybe you fucked up again, maybe it's your fault)  
(it's all your fault, it always is. you told him not to call, and then you expected him to call. he can't read your mind, it's your fault, it's your fault he isn't going to call, it's your fault none of them are going to call, it's all because of you)  
(they don't care, they never did, they never will. why do you keep lying to yourself, stop lying to yourself)  
(they'll never care)  
(but they will if you don't fail, eita)  
You want to scream again.  
-  
It's 3am and you're calling him.  
You're shaking so hard, you almost don't manage that.  
You don't know if you're still bleeding or if it stopped already, but you're too afraid, too terrified to look.  
You don't know if you went too far. You don't know if they managed to get the best of you. You don't know if you're paying the price for listening to them.  
You're afraid to find out.  
He isn't picking up.  
You think you're gonna find out soon.  
He still isn't picking up.  
You feel dizzy.  
(it's happening. it's going to be over. in a few minutes, it will all be over)  
(you're not ready. you're never going to be ready)  
(look at it. look at what you did.)  
You don't look.  
"I'm scared." you whisper to no one.  
(we know)  
In the end, he doesn't pick up and you don't leave a message.  
-  
You don't wake up to blinding lights and a white room.  
It feels different this time.  
It doesn't feel unsafe. It doesn't feel threatening.  
You're not on the floor anymore; you're in your bed and your arms are bandaged. There's a note on your bedside table, too.  
It makes you feel warm.  
It's nice to know they're wrong, and that she still cares about you. Despite everything, that is.  
Despite everything you've done to her, that is.  
(despite everything you've done to yourself, that is)  
You wish you could forget sometimes.  
-  
She was ruffling your hair when you woke up.  
"Do you want lunch now or do I wait a bit?"  
"Don't I deserve a good morning before food talk?" you practically mumbled into your pillow. You're surprised she even understood you.  
"Seeing as it's 4pm, no, not really."  
She let you miss school. Huh. Usually, that only happens when you're in the hospital.  
That was different.  
You didn't like different.  
You didn't like it at all.  
"So, do you want lunch or do you want me to wait?"  
"Wait a bit. I'm not awake yet."  
"Alright." she brushed some of your hair out of your and kissed your cheek. "Hey," she started, almost leaving your room. "I love you."  
"Love you too." and with that, she left.  
You don't think you understand.  
-  
Why?  
Why did she do that? Why did she take the time to take care of your cuts? Why did she take the time to take care of _you_? Why did she put you in bed, why did she wake you up like that, why did she tell you she loved you?  
Why was she doing all of that?  
Why?  
(why? why? _why_? _why_?)  
(why is she doing that? why is she helping you? why is she doing that? why does she care?)  
(why does she-)  
Oh.  
(she cares)  
Oh.  
(despite everything, despite everything you've done to her, to yourself, you're still her son. maybe not _his_ son, but _her_ son. she still loves you, despite everything)  
(you're still her son, despite everything)  
_Oh_.  
-  
Despite everything, it's still you.  
And that feels different. Too different.  
But it's a good different.


End file.
